There are a few blogs out there that talk about some of the insensitive things people say (many times unintentionally) when talking to adoptive families. So since it is usually unintentional, the only way to combat it is to educate. But this insensitive comment hasn't been mentioned in any of those blogs and yet with some troubling news within the Ethiopian program, I feel the need to write about it. I know I'm not the only one to hear it. I had a friend who experienced it:
"At urgent care with K this evening the nurse asks me "Is she adopted?" I replied "yes". The nurse replies "Could you not have kids of your own?" I laughed (at the ignorance of the words "your own") and said "something like that." She replies "Guess you took the easy way out...huh?"
Oh sister....the words that wanted to come out of my mouth. Thankfully I love Jesus...that's all I am saying!"
Then, some time in our last four months (it kind of can become a blur). Those words were addressed to me. I can remember sitting down with this person and them asking about Chloe and with none of my biological kids in eyesight and she asked the same question. Actually it wasn't a question at all, it was an assumption formulated as a statement. "Oh you went the easy route." I do have the pleasure of experiencing both giving birth and adopting and I can tell you with full assurance, I believe Chloe was my most difficult to bring home. And I am not just talking about a 17 hour plane ride.
And right now I am hurting for some of my friends. I am hurting for my friends with 3 kids that share their last name (for 8 months now), that accepted their kiddos' referrals OVER 3 years ago, but are still living on different continents. I am hurting for the friend who is fighting with our embassy for her 2 kids to come home to an unplanned time line. I am hurting for friends who are waiting on clarity from God on how to proceed with their adoptions and answers don't come quickly. I am hurting for the friend who has a picture of her son but no idea if she will ever get to bring him home due to unethical people beyond her control. I am hurting for the friend who has been waiting for 30 months to see a picture/referral with no end in sight when she was told when they first started the time frame was less than a "normal" pregnancy (I thought 24 months was HARD). I am hurting for so many friends that were waiting on the next step, the anticipation of meeting their kids face to face and saying "yes" in court and now are on hold. Friends, it is anything but easy.
The roller coaster of emotions is still there. Even if you are not having morning sickness, hormones elevated, and a growing belly. There is still "yuck" to deal with. I remember thinking of a lot of "not fair" moments. Doubt and questioning whether you are with the right agency. Perhaps even opposition from family and friends. There was "yuck" not only in what seemed to me to be never ending "waiting" and hearing our child's story for the first time, but bringing them home and dealing with grief, loss, transition, culture shock, development after being in an orphanage with absolutely no stimulation, attachment disorders, learning a new language, not understanding an old language, food issues, sleep issues,etc and all these issues often come without having any background knowlege and the disadvantage of maybe never knowing where they stem from. Many people deal with many of these adoption related issues. And some of that is just with international adoptions. Fostering adds a whole new set of hard circumstances. Friends, it is anything but easy.
I won't pretend to know what it feels like to not have carried a baby in my womb. I hurt for friends who longed for this and know it isn't a reality for them. I know from talking to many of them that they struggled with infertility for years before bringing their blessing home. They may have babies in heaven. The emotions that come with all of that. They cried out to God. They paid doctors fees and more fees for a chance at that pregnancy. They were eventually led to adoption by God. We don't always have the answers to the "why's" in this life, but thank God my friends answered the call to experience family in this way. Yet, it was anything but easy.
I'm sure had this lady seen my 3 biological children, she might not have made that comment. In a way, even though it angers me, it gave me the ever so slightest glimpse into the mama's heart that came to adoption because they couldn't biologically have kids and I am grateful. I applaud those mama's and those dada's. I know it isn't easy and yet throughout my time waiting, I had 3 little distractions that I know must have eased some of my waiting pain. Your lack of distraction and solely thinking of the life you are trying to bring home is not unnoticed by me.
And there is one more group of people. Those that chose to adopt first. Not because they couldn't have biological children, but simply because they wanted to start their family in this way. And I know from some of their stories, it still wasn't easy.
The final group reminds me of someone. God Almighty.
"Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear Son."
Ephesians 1: 4-6
Even though God chose us before the world, even though he decided in advance to adopt us into His family-----It still wasn't easy. Because we know this: "For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only son.....". Christ was tortured for us. He was humiliated for us. He was spit on, mocked, and forgotten by his friends for us. He carried the cross for us. He shed his blood for us. He died for us. He took on our sin for us. He fought Satan for us. The end result? Family. Heaven. Salvation. Promises Fulfilled. The road to get there? Loss. Grief. Abandonment. Betrayal. Leaving his home. Hard.
Adoption is forever family, beautiful, worth the wait, a picture of God, faith strengthening and exhilirating (did I say worth it?). It is also anything, but easy.
***DISCLAIMER [I hate that I feel the need to write a disclaimer. But these days, people go misunderstood. I want you to know I am not negating the "hard" that comes with our own pregnancies. I know many people that have very high risk pregnancies and many that worked very hard with many trials to get there. It is also anything, but easy. But as one that has experienced both and as women, I know we don't want to be insensitive....I simply write this to educate that adoption is a different road, one that is not easy, and yet the results of entering into motherhood are the same. Let's treat the mothers that entered into motherhood through adoption with the same respect.]
