Where are you?

"Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in your law."  Psalm 119:18

I currently have a six year old, but in family age she is just four (since she was almost two when we brought her home). She is in the "I can do it myself" stage, as each of my three other kids have gone through the same stage.  As a parent, you've been there, haven't you?  

Or your hubby doesn't want to resort to stopping and asking for directions because he thinks he can get back on track on his own.  He doesn't need help from the GPS or anyone else for that matter.  Have you experienced this?

Or you, yourself think you can take control of several areas of your life that you've neglected and let "go downhill"--without help because you are so capable of doing it on your own, or so you think.  

Or on the other hand, you've stopped praying or believing or doing any action because you don't believe you can change.  Or you don't believe the person you've been praying for can change.  You don't admit it outloud, but you don't have that kind of faith.  Have you been there?  

I have.  I am still there.  

Day 1: I read that AHA is not a self-help process.  I can't help myself.  This study is the opposite of a self-help book.  "This journey begins with a rejection of your self's offer to help."  So instead, I am asking God for help.   I am helpless and I obviously cannot do this on my own.  The goal of the challenge is not to find ways to change ourselves, but rather to seek and relate to God in ways that allow Him to change us.  So I am waiting on that breakthrough.  Living in expectation that God will open my eyes and that I will humbly see a breakthrough---not because of anything I've done or any self-determination on my part,  but because I'm relying on God's help alone.  

Day 2:  "AHA begins with recognizing my current location."  In other words, what is my spiritiual condition and what are the areas in my life that I've not welcomed God?  I felt like "not welcoming God" was harsh....maybe I need to sit and dwell on whether or not that is true.  I did think that there are areas where God is definitely not as evident.  God isn't daily living with me there (in my curent location).  These are the areas I mentioned yesterday....finances, health/weight managment, and prayer life.  Again, I feel like I haven't completely left God out of these areas...but I haven't let Him be in complete control either.  Or I've stopped believing that change is possible.  A couple of people I've stopped praying daily for, because I've actually thought, "What's the point? They will never change or follow God."  Like the Prodigal Son in Luke 15, I hope that I have finally "come to my senses".  Some "alarms" have been going off and I have been hitting the snooze button for a while now.  Not sure exactly how I got here....but hitting snooze and ignoring some of the alarms did not help me.  And the main reason I arrived at my current location is sin.  "Sin is the vehicle" which has caused me to leave out God, run from God, attempt to hide from God, or just try to avoid God in particular areas of my life.  I predict that I am going to have to come face to face with some specific sins within this AHA journey.  I have to wake up and heed the warnings so that I am not decieved about what this sin can do to me and my relationship with God.  Still chewing on this line, "The effectiveness of the alarm is in direct correlation to how much you don't want to hear it.  In other words, until your desire not to hear the alarm outweighs your desire to keep sleeping---you're not going to wake up."  Ouch!  I kind of understand that though.  I've said, " I want to lose weight".  I've said it repeatedly. But at the same time, I don't want to stop drinking soda.  Or I don't want to wake up early and exercise.  My desire to lose weight has not outweighed my desire to drink soda or my desire to sleep in.  I hope through this study God finally gets my attention and I have an awakening.  I know things must change and instead of sin crouching at my door hoping to rule me, I must, with God's help, rule over it.  (Gen 4:7).  The good news is (and we get this from the example of Adam and Eve)---even though we try to avoid God or leave him out---He is constantly seeking us out so we can be with Him.  He comes after us to redeem us and repair our brokenness.  

Prayer:  Open my eyes and awaken me Lord.  May I be transformed from the inside out.  I am expecting changes in my life, my marriage, and my family.  I can't do it on my own.  I need you Lord.  Amen.

The song below is really my prayer.  And I've sung this song many, many times.  And I believe it.  I just need to live like I believe it.  

"Aha!"

Do you remember the movie "Coming to America"?  I'm not endorsing the movie....but I will admit it is an old movie that we've enjoyed and there are several funny parts played by Eddie Murphy.  One of the jokes at the end during the credits goes like this:

"A man goes into a restaurant. You listenin'? A man goes into a restaurant, and he sits down, he's having a bowl of soup and he says to the waiter, waiter come taste the soup. Waiter says: Is something wrong with the soup? He says: Taste the soup. He says: Is there something wrong with the soup? Is the soup too hot? He says: Will you taste the soup? What's wrong, is the soup too cold? Will you just taste the soup?! Allright, I'll taste the soup - where's the spoon?? Aha. Aha! "

The moment the "Aha" comes is like a lightbulb moment, where you figure out he can't taste his soup because he was never given a spoon.  

Well I feel like I've been waiting for an "Aha", lightbulb moment, for a long time now.  It seems like I've done this or that, and many of them good things, but nothing fully "clicks" if you know what I mean.  There is no lasting change.  No lasting change in several areas of my life.  Finances.  Health/Weight Management.  Prayer/Devotional Life.  

So.....enter a challenge that is more about "inner transormation" that hopefully (but may not) bring outward change.  I am doing this challenge, knowing the process is more important than the product.  I am hopefully going to recognize what behaviors or attitudes that I have that contribute to me not  seeing the change I desire. 

If I am going to be real honest, I have found myself in a "drought" spiritually.  I am not worried about my faith, but I feel like for such a long time my cup was being filled regularly and I have slowly let it empty without "topping it off".    I am now running on fumes and need to be reawakened.  

I am a bit nervous that it still won't "click".  That the "Aha"s won't bring lasting change.  That I will sound like a broken record.  I'll let myself down again.  But that's just it.  It isn't about me.  It is about dependence on Him.  

Besides scripture, I am reading Kyle Idleman's book 40 Days to Lasting Change:  An AHA Challenge.  We've owned the book and this accompanying challenge for probably 3 years (since it came out) and yet haven't read it or fully accepted the challenge.  So I started today.  I have exactly 40 days till I go back to school officially and I pray these 40 days will bring the AHA moments that I need to transform these areas of my life (or at least change the trajectory of where these areas are headed currently).  I will journal my thoughts, struggles, and light bulb  moments on my blog from my readings.   AHA ia an acronym that through the study of Scripture and testimonies within the book will draw me closer to God by "Awakening to the reality of my spiritual condition; seeing with brutal Honesty, my need for a Savior; which then leads to my need to take Action to follow Christ's example."  Awakening.  Honesty. Action.  AHA!

Friends, if you read all of this....first off, thank you for reading and thank you for (hopefully) not judging me and my "drought".   Second, would you hold me accountable?  If you haven't seen a post in a few days would you privately message me and question me on it?  I would appreciate my sisters in Christ speaking truth into my life.  In the book, it quotes Proverbs 27:6, "Wounds from a friend can be trusted."  Kyle goes on to say, " a familiar voice speaking truth into your life is exactly what you need, but it's rarely what you want."  (So if we aren't real good friends, then no need to give advice---lol).  But if you are someone I have shared life with via a meal, a cup of coffee, prayer times, a bible study, etc.  then I welcome (I think) truth and/or simply encouragement.

I know I haven't hit rock bottom, but I also know...even if I can't currently pinpoint why....that I haven't always been honest with myself or with God about my struggles.  I also know if no one else knows I am struggling, then I can just go on with life and pretend like I didn't make this commitment or take this challenge.  I am really good at taking on a challenge and ending it a week later and no one was the wiser.  I am hoping this is my wake up call so that I never have to hit rock bottom or that I can at least head in the right direction, moving forward and 'growing in grace and knowledge of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory!' (2 Peter 3:18)

Thanks for listening to my sentiments.  

Snoozing Jesus?

      I'm a work in progress.  I have been for a long time.  You'd figure after almost 20 years of ministry that I would have the best devotional life, right?  Wrong.  Don't get me wrong.  I love God's scriptures.  I'm a Bible journaler, worship singer (loudly in the car to many songs based on Scripture), and a Sunday morning note taking fool.  We pray often in our family, enjoy spiritual conversations, etc.  But as far as a consistent, "daily" time with the Lord---for me that has been MIA.  I've struggled.  I've wanted to have this time. However, the exhaustedness (is that a word?) of the day prevents me from staying up to complete it in the evening.  While I was a stay at home mom, mid-day nap time was suppose to be pivotal for me getting my quiet time in, and sometimes I did--but a lot of the time I filled the time with phone calls, checking my emails/facebook account, chores, and let's be honest---I napped myself.  I do enjoy sleep.  Which brings me to the morning, I will choose sleep over all.  Honestly, I rarely wear make-up.  I sleep a little longer.  I don't make breakfast or drink coffee.  I sleep a little longer.  I don't read the newspaper. I sleep a little longer.  So I sleep till the last minute I possibly can in order to get dressed, look somewhat presentable, and head out the door.  Until recently.

       In a challenge group of mine we were listing some goals for the month and I had heard of the First 5 app from a friend who was loving it.  I also have loved She Reads Truth, an app that has great devotions as well.  But what is different about First 5 is that it literally is my alarm clock.  It wakes me up to to some fun music and blinds me with it's bright white screen. ( I mean "hurt your eyes, blinding light at 6: something in the morning").   And straight from the app:  "The vision of First 5 was developed by Proverbs 31 Ministries in order to connect your heart to God's Word the First 5 minutes of your day.  First 5 will wake you up with a short teaching first thing in the morning, so you can exchange whispers with God before shouts with the world."  Let's face it, there are lots of "shouts" from the world.  And for almost 2 months I've been doing it, daily during the work week.  Already getting up earlier on a daily basis for my teaching job (adulting is hard work, right?) than I have been in 10+ years, I added this to my first moments of the day.

     Now, granted it is only 5 minutes or so.  It can be more.  You can go even deeper.  But I am here to argue that conistent for the first time in a long time can be equally as deep.  A deep understanding that I truly do need these first moments of my day to be Christ-seeking.  A deeper understanding that when I do this small act, I've invited the Holy Spirit to be a part of my life and thought processes for the day.  And perhaps the deepest understanding, that my Father in heaven deserves no less from me.

Now the weird thing is that since it is literally an alarm clock, you can still hit the snooze button.Your choices are to snooze or read. So I didn't think anything of it at first, but then when telling friends about the app, I made a startling realization that I was SNOOZING JESUS! I'm happy to report that before my feet hit the floor I am having a moment with the Lord. However, I cannot tell a lie, I still do hit the snooze button every now and then.  I'm a work in progress.

***Today's devo confirmed this need for my first moments of the day to be with the Lord.  I heard a quote recently that can be applied to many areas of my life--"Breakthrough begins when excuses ends."  I hope that you never hear me say, "I'm not a morning person" in relation to why I can't start my day off with Jesus.  I have used that excuse for quite awhile and I'm ready for my breakthrough!  How about you?  I know many of my friends have wonderful quiet times.  I hope to encourage those that have struggled, maybe as long as I have.  Here's "A Date at Daybreak" from First5.

If Christ did nothing else.....

{Nothing like a 2 year sabbatical on the blog front.

Let's ignore that fact and just jump right into what I'm reflecting on today.}

My pastor said a lot of good stuff in his sermon today that I may write about later. However, he was just talking about our Thanksgiving feasts and how they do not begin to compare to the Table (Lord's Supper) we share in every Sunday. This made me think if I had no feast, no house, no job, no other blessing given to me here on Earth that I still have everything to be thankful for....That being my Savior. I have heard Chris say this sentiment many times before (that If Christ did nothing else for us, we still owe him everything).

So I wrote this poem this afternoon after continuing to reflect on that truth.

      

Christ: Heart & Soul

Immanuel, Thank you for your body.

That left perfect for the imperfect.

That left all that is good for what is often evil.  

That left your position of King to come down to be servant.

That left exaltation to become humbled.

That said “Thy will be done.”

That willingly died to give me life.

Thank you for your heart that died for me.

Messiah, Thank you for your blood.

That is pure and good.

That provides mercy and forgiveness.

That gives peace and righteousness.

That shares love and grace.

That seeks those who are lost.

That redeems and offers a rich inheritance.

Thank you for your soul that bled for me.

Amber Strickland

11-20-2016

Gotcha Day

A few things I noticed while trying to honor the day that Chloe was forever in our arms.  I searched on my blog for last year's post where I shared Gotcha day pics and realized I never blogged about it. I knew I had posted pics on facebook, but never found them while searching my timeline.  So here I am a year later and going to highlight a few things  about Gotcha Day 2013.  Also while I was trying to create my slideshow/collage/whatever it was I was going to post....it was difficult.  Because the first one, which was adorable chalk art slideshow titled "Life is Good" just didn't seem to work for a day that wasn't the greatest day in the history book of the Strickland family and yet was one of the greatest all at the same time.  All the free music choices were "upbeat", "happy", and "cheerful"----when you see the pics in the collage, you will notice Chloe is anything but those three words.

1.  Some people don't even like the term "Gotcha Day"---I'm not one of them.  It seems like a shorthand way of saying, "the day you forever were received into our arms" or "the day we picked you up for forever from the orphanage/transition home/foster home that you had been living at up to this point".  Just simpler to say "the day we got you".  And in no way are we minimizing the day.  We didn't get to go to a store and pick you out and you weren't a prize to be had.  We waited a LONG time for this day.  We prayed a LONG time for this day.  Every adoptive family knows what this day means in their hearts and in the life of their family.  The day you changed our lives forever because we got to be your parents full time. The day that God gave you to us to hold forever---finally.

2.  Gotcha Day, 99% of the time is not necessarily fun.  I made this statistic up, but many that I've talked to describe this day as terribly hard for the newly adoptive parents, for the nannies or foster parents that have been caring for your child for a long time, and especially for the child.  Ours wasn't the worst day ever, but it wasn't the easiest either.  It was Saturday, so the majority of the House of Hope staff was off work that day.  There was a nanny and 2 cooks present when we picked Chloe up.  It had been 10 weeks since we had seen her last and we had a "substitute" staff liaison/translator that took us to the home.  She brought Chloe in and she immediately started screaming/crying to the point of throwing up.  We had to get some information like her eating and sleeping schedule and quickly she fell asleep in Chris' arms---which we believe to be her stress coping mechanism at the time.  I stepped down to the lobby to take photos and videos of newly referred kids whose parents were excited to get real pic of video footage of their children.....but even then we wanted to get to our guest house (hotel) and I didn't get to spend a good amount of time with these kids like I would have liked. I maybe spent 10 minutes with them.  The substitute was ready to take us to buy formula, Chloe woke up as we changed her into clothes we brought, said bye to the big kids I just photographed, the cooks kissed her and we were on our way.  She was crying again and again fell asleep in the back of the car in Chris' arms.  [Side note: there are no car seats in Ethiopia and driving is a bit crazy, yet there aren't many accidents.  So everywhere we drove after that, I would wear Chloe in the Ergo to make me feel like I wasn't breaking any child safety laws.]  We bought the expensive formula, made it to our guest house and started to slowly get to know our girl.  I was taking photos to document this day that I had waited for for so long.  We stayed in our room all day until we ventured out for a walk to eat dinner.

Of course Chloe at this time is going through one of the biggest transitions ever.  She had been in an orphanage-transition home--back to orphanage---back to transition home in her 19 months of life, but each time that transition was made, it was with one of her nannies and/or CHI staff and by people who spoke like the people she heard speak every day and smell like the people she was around every day (Ethiopia has a very distinct smell)---now she is with these two people she knows nothing about.  And she gets to leave the walls/gates of the only two places she's lived in.  Her world just got big. Big chance of over-stimulation.  You will notice on day 1 there is not a smile on Chloe's face in any picture on that day.  I will never have any idea what went on in her little head that day.  But I can tell you she and every orphan experience loss again on 'Gotcha Day'.  They lose their "normal"--whether good or bad--that they have experienced up to this point.  Although we had the "substitute" staff member, my guess is the day would have been much tougher to get through had we had to leave her favorite nanny or go through the entire CHI staff giving hugs or kisses.  So in retrospect, the Saturday pick up was good.

After nap time, it seemed she warmed up to us.  While in Ethiopia, Chris and I called her Dibora which was her given Ethiopian name.  [Her name here when we finally get her US birth certificate finalized will be Chloe Dibora Hope].  She didn't seem scared of us, but she wasn't happy either. She seemed to attach to her toy baby doll very quickly. She did say her first word "caca" (apparently universal) and it was in the right context (i.e.  she had a dirty diaper and she knew it) so we deemed her smart from day 1.  I don't remember her crying the rest of the day, even when we bathed her in a shower stall. We lotion-ed her up and she quietly went to bed in her crib.  It had been a long day.

Digital collage personalized with Smilebox

The next morning was a different story and we start to see the smiles and silliness that defines little Miss Chloe Dibora and we got to take her to church in Ethiopia.  Even though I decided not to go with the "Life is Good" slideshow.....I want you to know life isn't good all the time, but God is good all the time and all the time God is good.  He continued to show His faithfulness in bringing Chloe to us and us to her at just the right time.  It isn't always easy, but it is good and right to follow the calling that God lays on your heart.

For me, that is what Gotcha Day was all about.