Happy New Year!

Welcome 2020!  I have been married for 20 years (21 in March). But as it stands today on New Year's, 20 years to the most amazing, selfless, funny, talented, humble man, who also happens to be a wonderful father to our 4 blessings. As you can see, we like traveling, baseball, hikes, and our 4 kids are represented in these pics....but I wanted to share just "us".......(I couldn't find a 2003 without Eden), but someday these 4 blessings will be out of our home (most in this next decade 😭)....and it will be just "us" again. So we make it a priority to make our marriage important.  We've been to Santa Barbara/Santa Clarita/LA, Russia, San Diego, Grand Canyon while we lived in Arizona.  Beautiful Branson, North Carolina, Colorado, Tennessee, West Carribean, Los Cabos, and certainly not least 2 amazing trips to Ethiopia while we lived in Missouri.  Since 2000, we have had 3 churches we've been a part of: 4.5 years in AZ, 4 years in Branson, and 11.5 years in Washington, MO.   So enjoy my journey down memory lane ---I've posted one picture for each year, plus New Year's Eve 1999 and New Year's Day 2020.  I can't wait to see what the next 20 years will entail....but I know it will be fantastic as long as Chris is by my side.  

New Year's Eve. December 1999.  Phoenix, AZ. 

2000

2001

2002

2003

2004

2005

2006

2007

2008

2009

2010

2011

2012

2013

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2015

2016

2017

2018

2019

January 1, 2020

Awakening

"Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, 

and all these things will be added to you."  Matt. 6:33

In my study, there are three parts.  Awakening. Honesty.  Action.  (Hence the acronym AHA).  I am a bit more than half way done and am diving into the Honesty portion of the study.  I'll be honest, the honesty portion is not an easy task. (see the irony?) So for now, I will refect on the first section---Awakening.

Awakening can be defined as "an opportunity to wake up and encounter God in a deeper way than ever before."  It is an opportunity to see God work.  An opportunity to experience His healing and redeeming love in a whole new way.  I want that.  I seek that.  But then I don't.  Why?  I am not sure.  But I know I want the end of my story to change.  I want to draw nearer to God and and be transformed.  The text mentions that we are living in a "country of the blind".  We are blind to the world's subtle trappings.  We are supposedly meaningfully transformed, or changed on a Sunday and then the rest of the week---we are caught up in our routine.  I know this is true of me.  Not that I am necessarily a "Sunday Christian", but more so that I let the world talk me off my proverbial ledge the very next day.  I walk immediately back into THE world.  One of the practical ways, the author says to open our eyes and refocus, (rather than remain blind) is to go on a retreat, change your routine. I was able to do just that this past weekend and the retreat was good.  I was able to be still and listen, to seek God's truth and come to some realizations about my spiritual growth (or lack there of).  I realized I walk into THE world of laziness and convenience.  I walk into my own comfortable world.    I walk back into the world of selfishness and pride.  Different distractions and idols come at me and I let them sweep over me.  Other realizations I had is that I truly was trying to live by my own power, rather than the Holy Spirit living in me.  And that I continue to put my trust in other things rather than God alone.  I don't mean to....but being blind I just subconciously go there.  I don't have any "magic" resolution as of yet.  But I believe if I am more honest with myself in the days to come and truly take action after my honesty is revealed, that there is hope for lasting change.  I feel like I have been a prisoner of sorts for a while now, definitely not free.  I believe God is asking me to surrender my role of prisoner and instead accept my role of citizen in His Kingdom------not the Kingdom of this world. 

It is time to wake up---for good!

Where are you?

"Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in your law."  Psalm 119:18

I currently have a six year old, but in family age she is just four (since she was almost two when we brought her home). She is in the "I can do it myself" stage, as each of my three other kids have gone through the same stage.  As a parent, you've been there, haven't you?  

Or your hubby doesn't want to resort to stopping and asking for directions because he thinks he can get back on track on his own.  He doesn't need help from the GPS or anyone else for that matter.  Have you experienced this?

Or you, yourself think you can take control of several areas of your life that you've neglected and let "go downhill"--without help because you are so capable of doing it on your own, or so you think.  

Or on the other hand, you've stopped praying or believing or doing any action because you don't believe you can change.  Or you don't believe the person you've been praying for can change.  You don't admit it outloud, but you don't have that kind of faith.  Have you been there?  

I have.  I am still there.  

Day 1: I read that AHA is not a self-help process.  I can't help myself.  This study is the opposite of a self-help book.  "This journey begins with a rejection of your self's offer to help."  So instead, I am asking God for help.   I am helpless and I obviously cannot do this on my own.  The goal of the challenge is not to find ways to change ourselves, but rather to seek and relate to God in ways that allow Him to change us.  So I am waiting on that breakthrough.  Living in expectation that God will open my eyes and that I will humbly see a breakthrough---not because of anything I've done or any self-determination on my part,  but because I'm relying on God's help alone.  

Day 2:  "AHA begins with recognizing my current location."  In other words, what is my spiritiual condition and what are the areas in my life that I've not welcomed God?  I felt like "not welcoming God" was harsh....maybe I need to sit and dwell on whether or not that is true.  I did think that there are areas where God is definitely not as evident.  God isn't daily living with me there (in my curent location).  These are the areas I mentioned yesterday....finances, health/weight managment, and prayer life.  Again, I feel like I haven't completely left God out of these areas...but I haven't let Him be in complete control either.  Or I've stopped believing that change is possible.  A couple of people I've stopped praying daily for, because I've actually thought, "What's the point? They will never change or follow God."  Like the Prodigal Son in Luke 15, I hope that I have finally "come to my senses".  Some "alarms" have been going off and I have been hitting the snooze button for a while now.  Not sure exactly how I got here....but hitting snooze and ignoring some of the alarms did not help me.  And the main reason I arrived at my current location is sin.  "Sin is the vehicle" which has caused me to leave out God, run from God, attempt to hide from God, or just try to avoid God in particular areas of my life.  I predict that I am going to have to come face to face with some specific sins within this AHA journey.  I have to wake up and heed the warnings so that I am not decieved about what this sin can do to me and my relationship with God.  Still chewing on this line, "The effectiveness of the alarm is in direct correlation to how much you don't want to hear it.  In other words, until your desire not to hear the alarm outweighs your desire to keep sleeping---you're not going to wake up."  Ouch!  I kind of understand that though.  I've said, " I want to lose weight".  I've said it repeatedly. But at the same time, I don't want to stop drinking soda.  Or I don't want to wake up early and exercise.  My desire to lose weight has not outweighed my desire to drink soda or my desire to sleep in.  I hope through this study God finally gets my attention and I have an awakening.  I know things must change and instead of sin crouching at my door hoping to rule me, I must, with God's help, rule over it.  (Gen 4:7).  The good news is (and we get this from the example of Adam and Eve)---even though we try to avoid God or leave him out---He is constantly seeking us out so we can be with Him.  He comes after us to redeem us and repair our brokenness.  

Prayer:  Open my eyes and awaken me Lord.  May I be transformed from the inside out.  I am expecting changes in my life, my marriage, and my family.  I can't do it on my own.  I need you Lord.  Amen.

The song below is really my prayer.  And I've sung this song many, many times.  And I believe it.  I just need to live like I believe it.  

"Aha!"

Do you remember the movie "Coming to America"?  I'm not endorsing the movie....but I will admit it is an old movie that we've enjoyed and there are several funny parts played by Eddie Murphy.  One of the jokes at the end during the credits goes like this:

"A man goes into a restaurant. You listenin'? A man goes into a restaurant, and he sits down, he's having a bowl of soup and he says to the waiter, waiter come taste the soup. Waiter says: Is something wrong with the soup? He says: Taste the soup. He says: Is there something wrong with the soup? Is the soup too hot? He says: Will you taste the soup? What's wrong, is the soup too cold? Will you just taste the soup?! Allright, I'll taste the soup - where's the spoon?? Aha. Aha! "

The moment the "Aha" comes is like a lightbulb moment, where you figure out he can't taste his soup because he was never given a spoon.  

Well I feel like I've been waiting for an "Aha", lightbulb moment, for a long time now.  It seems like I've done this or that, and many of them good things, but nothing fully "clicks" if you know what I mean.  There is no lasting change.  No lasting change in several areas of my life.  Finances.  Health/Weight Management.  Prayer/Devotional Life.  

So.....enter a challenge that is more about "inner transormation" that hopefully (but may not) bring outward change.  I am doing this challenge, knowing the process is more important than the product.  I am hopefully going to recognize what behaviors or attitudes that I have that contribute to me not  seeing the change I desire. 

If I am going to be real honest, I have found myself in a "drought" spiritually.  I am not worried about my faith, but I feel like for such a long time my cup was being filled regularly and I have slowly let it empty without "topping it off".    I am now running on fumes and need to be reawakened.  

I am a bit nervous that it still won't "click".  That the "Aha"s won't bring lasting change.  That I will sound like a broken record.  I'll let myself down again.  But that's just it.  It isn't about me.  It is about dependence on Him.  

Besides scripture, I am reading Kyle Idleman's book 40 Days to Lasting Change:  An AHA Challenge.  We've owned the book and this accompanying challenge for probably 3 years (since it came out) and yet haven't read it or fully accepted the challenge.  So I started today.  I have exactly 40 days till I go back to school officially and I pray these 40 days will bring the AHA moments that I need to transform these areas of my life (or at least change the trajectory of where these areas are headed currently).  I will journal my thoughts, struggles, and light bulb  moments on my blog from my readings.   AHA ia an acronym that through the study of Scripture and testimonies within the book will draw me closer to God by "Awakening to the reality of my spiritual condition; seeing with brutal Honesty, my need for a Savior; which then leads to my need to take Action to follow Christ's example."  Awakening.  Honesty. Action.  AHA!

Friends, if you read all of this....first off, thank you for reading and thank you for (hopefully) not judging me and my "drought".   Second, would you hold me accountable?  If you haven't seen a post in a few days would you privately message me and question me on it?  I would appreciate my sisters in Christ speaking truth into my life.  In the book, it quotes Proverbs 27:6, "Wounds from a friend can be trusted."  Kyle goes on to say, " a familiar voice speaking truth into your life is exactly what you need, but it's rarely what you want."  (So if we aren't real good friends, then no need to give advice---lol).  But if you are someone I have shared life with via a meal, a cup of coffee, prayer times, a bible study, etc.  then I welcome (I think) truth and/or simply encouragement.

I know I haven't hit rock bottom, but I also know...even if I can't currently pinpoint why....that I haven't always been honest with myself or with God about my struggles.  I also know if no one else knows I am struggling, then I can just go on with life and pretend like I didn't make this commitment or take this challenge.  I am really good at taking on a challenge and ending it a week later and no one was the wiser.  I am hoping this is my wake up call so that I never have to hit rock bottom or that I can at least head in the right direction, moving forward and 'growing in grace and knowledge of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory!' (2 Peter 3:18)

Thanks for listening to my sentiments.  

Snoozing Jesus?

      I'm a work in progress.  I have been for a long time.  You'd figure after almost 20 years of ministry that I would have the best devotional life, right?  Wrong.  Don't get me wrong.  I love God's scriptures.  I'm a Bible journaler, worship singer (loudly in the car to many songs based on Scripture), and a Sunday morning note taking fool.  We pray often in our family, enjoy spiritual conversations, etc.  But as far as a consistent, "daily" time with the Lord---for me that has been MIA.  I've struggled.  I've wanted to have this time. However, the exhaustedness (is that a word?) of the day prevents me from staying up to complete it in the evening.  While I was a stay at home mom, mid-day nap time was suppose to be pivotal for me getting my quiet time in, and sometimes I did--but a lot of the time I filled the time with phone calls, checking my emails/facebook account, chores, and let's be honest---I napped myself.  I do enjoy sleep.  Which brings me to the morning, I will choose sleep over all.  Honestly, I rarely wear make-up.  I sleep a little longer.  I don't make breakfast or drink coffee.  I sleep a little longer.  I don't read the newspaper. I sleep a little longer.  So I sleep till the last minute I possibly can in order to get dressed, look somewhat presentable, and head out the door.  Until recently.

       In a challenge group of mine we were listing some goals for the month and I had heard of the First 5 app from a friend who was loving it.  I also have loved She Reads Truth, an app that has great devotions as well.  But what is different about First 5 is that it literally is my alarm clock.  It wakes me up to to some fun music and blinds me with it's bright white screen. ( I mean "hurt your eyes, blinding light at 6: something in the morning").   And straight from the app:  "The vision of First 5 was developed by Proverbs 31 Ministries in order to connect your heart to God's Word the First 5 minutes of your day.  First 5 will wake you up with a short teaching first thing in the morning, so you can exchange whispers with God before shouts with the world."  Let's face it, there are lots of "shouts" from the world.  And for almost 2 months I've been doing it, daily during the work week.  Already getting up earlier on a daily basis for my teaching job (adulting is hard work, right?) than I have been in 10+ years, I added this to my first moments of the day.

     Now, granted it is only 5 minutes or so.  It can be more.  You can go even deeper.  But I am here to argue that conistent for the first time in a long time can be equally as deep.  A deep understanding that I truly do need these first moments of my day to be Christ-seeking.  A deeper understanding that when I do this small act, I've invited the Holy Spirit to be a part of my life and thought processes for the day.  And perhaps the deepest understanding, that my Father in heaven deserves no less from me.

Now the weird thing is that since it is literally an alarm clock, you can still hit the snooze button.Your choices are to snooze or read. So I didn't think anything of it at first, but then when telling friends about the app, I made a startling realization that I was SNOOZING JESUS! I'm happy to report that before my feet hit the floor I am having a moment with the Lord. However, I cannot tell a lie, I still do hit the snooze button every now and then.  I'm a work in progress.

***Today's devo confirmed this need for my first moments of the day to be with the Lord.  I heard a quote recently that can be applied to many areas of my life--"Breakthrough begins when excuses ends."  I hope that you never hear me say, "I'm not a morning person" in relation to why I can't start my day off with Jesus.  I have used that excuse for quite awhile and I'm ready for my breakthrough!  How about you?  I know many of my friends have wonderful quiet times.  I hope to encourage those that have struggled, maybe as long as I have.  Here's "A Date at Daybreak" from First5.