This is sort of tough to write, but it is very much needed....especially because of the outpouring of love that has been shown our Chloe from family members, friends across the country, but especially our local friends and church family. You are the ones that have in essence brought Chloe home....and now we have to share what may seem like initially "bad"news. But in the end this is the best for Chloe and I know in my heart of hearts that is what you want too.
So.....after three years of waiting and pursuing and longing and praying for Chloe, it is time to bring her home. (Can I get a Hallelujah?!) I know we can never thank you enough for the love, support, encouragement, financial assistance, friendship and prayers over the past 3 years. It has been a long, hard journey however, we would be naive to think the "hard" is over. The real challenge is still ahead of us (transitioning her into our family and raising her)!
So the hard part is telling you how our family is going to work for the next few weeks or even months. And it is not meant to be offensive, but rather to give you all a heads up and hopefully a few answers to the "why"s of our next phase if you will. Please read these not as suggestions but rather heartfelt requests from us as we transition (and feel free to share what you know to non-blog readers who may think we've disappeared from the planet or have become non-people people). Also other adoptive friends may or may not have done something similar, every adoption is so different in circumstances, that what one family may feel the need to do another will not.....This is what we are choosing for our family.
1. We will practice a common process in the adoption world called "cocooning". It has been shown to provide lifelong benefits to the child, specifically in the areas of relationships, identity, and development. So you may not see us much at first. We are going to hunker down in our home. Our number one priority is to our daughter and building a strong bond with her. It's so important to teach her that we are her parents and that Eden, Eli, and Tobe are her siblings. It is criticial that this bond happens before she bonds with any other family or friends. The way we will do this is by staying home for a couple of weeks {or longer} until we feel that Chloe is ready to be introduced to other places. Why?
Chloe has been a blessed little girl. So
far, she has been given very good care by every adult in her life both at the orphanage and the transition home. However, her
little brain is learning that EVERY adult person in her life will take care of
her. For her safety and also her ability to form good relationships later in
life, we need to teach her to trust a few people, and then slowly let others
into her life. We want her to know that we are "It" for her. She is not going
to be passed off to any other care givers. So that even means the church nursery, MOPS, no date nights for a while with our wonderful teens, until we know that there has been a good attachment to us as her parents.
2. Please be patient with us. When we finally do leave the house, we still may stay "where ever" for shorter periods of time, arrive late and leave early. As one friend put it "good-bye may need to be implied". And when we make it to church or to Target or the grocery store where there are SO many of you lovely people, I will be wearing Chloe in a carrier. This promotes additional bonding b/w her & I. Plus it will help her from getting over-whelmed with new environments that could be over-stimulating. This also keeps others from holding her or touching her a lot. This may seem harsh and I know this will be tough at first, but we promise you, it will only last for a season and it’s the best for Chloe. Why?
Please keep in mind that Chloe's view of the world is currently limited to one room (besides the couch room where we were able to snuggle with her).......but normally she is confined to her crib room (with bare walls) and 10 other toddlers and a couple of toys that are shared between them. Places and people will be all new to our girl. It is not going to be hard for her to be over-stimulated.
3. We will do some things with Chloe that will look more like what we would do with a baby than what we should do with a toddler. Although Chloe is 18 months, her "family age" will begin when we pick her up from the orphanage. By the very nature of being in an orphanage, there are things done that are very "babyish" with her. We will not potty train as early as we did with our other kids. And even though we thought she was potty trained, it will actually be good to change diapers, play baby games, and give lots of eye contact. We will continue to feed her very much like a baby {she still takes bottles and eats cereal}, introducing new foods through baby food and working up to solid food. We will also hold her and carry her and rock her as much as she will tolerate. Why? There are two ways to look at child's age: Chronological Age and Family Age. Her chronological age is 18 months but her family age is just beginning. These things are essential to the bonding process and partly because she has not had that kind of care that all babies deserve in order to form and understand long-lasting, unconditional relationships.
4. Chris and I will need to meet all of Chloe's needs. If she needs fed, changed, held, rocked, disciplined, or helped, we will need to do all of that for quite a while. For those of you who will come to visit, please do not try to meet any of her needs as this is, again, essential to her bonding with us.
This may be exhausting and so different from how we handled our biological kids. For example, if she trips and falls at the park, it is crucial that you send her to us to comfort her or give her the bandaid . She will try to get her needs met by anyone who is willing, so until she realizes Chris and I are different from everyone else we need to meet those needs exclusively. We have to set up these safe boundaries until she can figure out how to make them for herself. We know this is against your normal instincts and even mine, that is why we are sending this out in advance so you know our expectations and know how you can help us when we’re together. Why?
It's easy to think that she is adapting so well when you see adopted children happy with strangers, smiling and getting other's attention. But at this point, those things would actually still be signs they have not figured out who we are, as their mom and dad. In their short lives, they've had many care givers. They will likely see us as simply another set of care givers for quite awhile. But we're trusting over time, they'll come to understand what it means that we are Mommy and Daddy to them and Eden, Eli, & Tobe are siblings.
5. When we discipline Chloe, it will look different than how we discipline our other children. We must do everything we can to build our bonds with our little girl, which includes how we discipline her. We will be employing a method called "time in," which basically means that we will hold her and calm her while we correct the misbehavior. This may look exhausting (and it probably is) or like it is not the most straight-forward method of discipline, but this has been a proven method of effective discipline for adopted children. Why? Well there are lots of pyschological reasons for this, but one of the ones off the top of my head is that any orphan has a lot of loss and subsequently grief that they deal with. Sending them away from us for a time out or taking away a lot of things may not be beneficial for a while and actually backwards from our ultimate goal of them feeling like they belong.
6. Chloe is not a celebrity. That sounds kind of harsh too. I want to show her off, I want to share in the testimony of how faithful God has been to us. But at the same time, taking photos of just our adopted child or pouring attention on her while ignoring our other children is not healthy for anyone. The child who is receiving all of the attention often feels singled out and siblings quickly become resentful. We appreciate all of the love and support that we were shown during our adoption process and we know that everyone is excited to meet her. Especially since most people know Chris and I due to ministry, please take cues and be very sensitive to this (like in the church hallway).
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
There are specific ways we could use your support:
1. Meals - if you would like to cook a meal for our
family, we welcome it. We're going to have a grueling journey back home with an
infant who is taking her first plane ride with (virtually) complete strangers
who don't speak her language. God help us and all the passengers on those
flights home! We will come back exhausted and jet-lagged (hopefully with no ankle or feet issues) and our little
blossom will be on a timezone 8 hours ahead of us. I imagine the first week that
we'll all pretty much be in a fog. My wonderful MOPS group and a church friend will be coordinating meals so if you wish, message me and I will get you in contact with them. And if you are literally one of the first, please don't be offended when we may ask to "drop and run". I have no idea what the first week will be like.
2. If you do bring a meal or just come to visit please be aware of the previously mentioned things. For the first few weeks, if you come to our house, we ask that you please call first. We do not want more than one family here at a time so as not to overwhelm anyone. We also ask that you plan for the visit to be quick. We will not feel comfortable asking you to leave, so please just do that on your own. If you come, feel free to bring your kids with you as the big 3 would love to see their friends :)
3. Companionship - I might go crazy trying to
lay low and stay near home so much. (Seriously--HUGE prayer need--pretty sure I've never stayed home). We might feel isolated and out of the loop
with our friends. We might feel tired and overwhelmed and in need of
distraction. Chris and I can possibly tag team and sneak away at times for a treat and breath of fresh air. Or if you are a parent to one of Eden, Eli, or Tobe's friends please feel free to sneak them away too. They too will be going through some adjustment.
4. Prayer - We need you to be praying for us and Chloe
in this time. This transition is critical in her development as a person, and
the things we do with her as she enters our family will lay the groundwork for
relationships for her for the rest of her life. No pressure there! We need
prayers for wisdom, patience, and selflessness. Also prayers for all the siblings as they transition and patience as they witness the "hard". Pray they won't feel neglected and especially Tobe who for 5.5 years has been my "baby". (sniff, sniff)
5. Check-ins - Please leave us voicemails, emails, texts, fb messages, or good óle snail mail
just to let us know you're thinking of us, praying for us, or available to
help. Even if we don't respond to your messages, we will receive them and they
will be a comfort to us.
6. We are weak and need your help to stay strong. Both Chris and I are people pleasers to some extent. Now that you
know our plan, please don't ask us to break this plan. Stay strong and hold us accountable too. Ask us if that's
what we really want, and remind us of why we're doing what we're doing. We need
your help to stick to the plan!
If you have any questions feel free to ask and we will do our best to answer. Remember all of this is super new to us too and we'll probably make a lot of mistakes. But we thank you so much for praying with us through it and for the grace you'll extend to us along the way! We love you all and can't wait for you to meet our newest addition to the Strickland Family!
BTW, Chloe has already been adopted, once she is home....she does not get adopted over and over again, she will be part of our forever family and one of the four greatest blessings God has granted us. Thanks for listening to my sentiments and may God be glorified!
For further reading, check out these links:
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